Preaching the Gospel of "We Not Me"

Schools play their role.  That’s for sure.  Parents do as well, but their responsibility to teach the right values and model good citizenship trumps anything their children learn in the classroom. In this high-tech, fast-paced society where temptations, challenges, and pressures seem to intensify with each passing day, the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been.

Nobody can totally fix the ills of the world, but anyone who spends even a few minutes with Dr. Michele Borba or delves into her writings gets the distinct impression that she won’t stop trying until she does.

The highly acclaimed parenting expert and educational psychologist spoke Tuesday night before a rapt audience of 300 at Collegiate’s Centennial Hall. Her topic, directed primarily toward parents, was “What Matters in Helping Kids Succeed: Proven Ways Parents Can Foster Empathy, Resilience, and Confidence.”

She delivered her message fervently, earnestly, and forthrightly.  To many, she was preaching to the choir.  After all, empathy, tolerance, caring, and respect for diversity are core values deeply ingrained in the culture of Collegiate and many, many households that entrust their children to the school. It’s always helpful, though, to consider this immutable fact: yes, parents do make a difference, their actions are as important as their words, and the courage to be true to their convictions is paramount.

To illustrate her point, she closed her remarks with a slide showing a millennia-old quotation from Confucius: “The most beautiful sight in the world is a little child going confidently down the road of life after you have shown him the way.”

Shortly before she took the stage, Dr. Borba signed copies of her latest book, Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.  As she wrote, she fielded questions about the importance of her work, her motivation, and her passion.  Her responses were an apt prelude to the exhortation that followed.

Why is empathy, an attribute we should all have, so vital these days?

It’s a different world than when we raised Beaver.  Mayberry is no more.  We’re looking at a digital-driven world where children’s eyeball contact is down, and conversation skills are down.  We’re also looking at a celebrity-driven world where their role models have dramatically changed.  We’re also looking time-on-task when our children used to have things like play where they learned empathy.  All of those seem to be a lost art.  What has now surfaced is a total emphasis on grades and IQ, so the other half of the human being seems to be going down.

Why have you made preaching the gospel of empathy your life’s work?

A number of reasons.  I started in violence prevention, and probably the highlight of it was the day Columbine hit. My heart was in my throat when I saw that massacre taking place because (I considered it) an ideal society, and I realized that if it happened there, it can happen anywhere.  

So I wrote a bill on how to stop a school shooting, and I discovered the commonality that we were overlooking wasn’t the barbed-wire fences and metal detectors.  It was relationships in the classrooms and the schools, which were absolutely critical.  

I’ve worked all over the world: six different continents. Rwanda had a major impact on me in studying genocide.  I visited Auschwitz and Cambodia.  I saw more and more that relationships were breaking down and what children needed above all else was the other side of the report card.

How can schools and parents negate the challenges and temptations?

By intentionally focusing on what really matters.  It’s Humanity 101. You can’t change the culture, but you sure can change your classroom, your school, and your family.  We know that parents who raise good kids don’t do so by accident nor do schools that have good kids in their classroom. The fastest way for our kids to learn empathy is (for adults) to model it.

What’s the best advice you give parents?

Number one: be intentional.  Stop a moment and say, how do I want my kids to turn out? What kind of model am I? How often have I emphasized caring and compassion?  

What’s the best advice you give educators?

The other side of the report card counts just as much. You can reach the child with your dynamic lessons, but the number one thing is to restore the relationships.  Kids will always tune in to us when they know they’re in an environment that appreciates them, respects them.  That’s what we want: rigor and respect.  Put the two together, and you have a win-win.

What would you like our parents to take away from your presentation?

We do make one heck of a big difference.  What we’ve discovered is that kids become far more confident if they know what to do.  In today’s world of helicopter parenting and doing everything for a child, what happens is the child doesn’t gain that sense of confidence because he’s expecting someone to step in and rescue him.  As the result, not only does confidence go down, but so does empathy. It becomes what’s called an empathy gap: a child feels guilty and shameful that he didn’t step in and do something, but, frankly, he didn’t know what to do.

What we want to do above all else is raise a quality child who can some day thrive and survive without us, a child who can bounce back, is confident but also has a moral rudder and feels for another human being.  That’s the benchmark of civilization.

Seven o’clock had arrived. Dr. Borba signed one last book and took a deep breath before heading to the front of the auditorium. Her whirlwind day had begun in Palm Springs, CA. In a few hours, she would be on a plane to Boston for a presentation at Harvard.  She was moving quickly. The adrenaline was flowing.

“One last question,” I said. "Talking to you this brief time, it’s obvious that you’re passionate about your calling. Why is it such a passion?”

She hesitated, then began.  “I think why I’m…,” she replied, but her voice wavered. She paused to collect herself. After a moment, she began again. An hour later, she would share those same words with her audience.

“This book,” she said as she gently laid her hand on the copy of Unselfie that she had just signed, “is dedicated to a father who came up to me in Canada with a picture of his son and said, ‘Promise me that you will never stop talking about what you’re doing.  Keep this photograph of my child, please, and promise that you will keep talking empathy.  My child would be alive today if his classmates had empathy.’”
                                               -- Weldon Bradshaw